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| Tempus Magazine - Yunnan Province article Apr 7 2021 |
Xiao Tu had never fallen asleep and woken up in the middle of the night in her life. But she did that night. Most of the alcohol had gone, leaving a slight headache. She looked over at Zhen Zhen, she was sound asleep. She really wanted to wake her up and chat, but she decided not to disturb her. Xiao Tu carried on tossing and turning in bed, until she hit something hard. She reached for her phone. Since she couldn’t fall back to sleep, she began to play on her mahjong on her phone. But she quickly got bored.
She flicked through her phone’s call history, and froze – thinking of Lang Lang’s face that could turn all living beings upside down. He was so cold these days.
She impulsively sent a message.
‘What are you doing?’ when she sent the message, she realised the time. It was three in the morning; he must be sleeping. What else would he be doing? But she had already sent it, she couldn’t recall it. And with his attitude these days, he would likely not reply.
Just when she had lost expectations, there was a beep, ‘Sleeping.’ He responded.
Hateful. Would it kill him to say something more. She sneered and replied, ‘I’m sorry for waking you up. Go back to sleep, good night.’ She was about to turn her phone off when a response call,
‘Can’t sleep.’
Hope surged in her heart, ‘I will come and see you, okay?’
There was no response. Normally, she would have given up, but tonight it felt like her whole body was energised, she jumped out of bed, put on her slippers and left her room.
She trotted to his door and knocked aggressively. But she only made it to one knock before the door was opened, and she nearly fell forward.
Fortunately, he hugged her in time – saving her from kissing the floor.
She looked up at him and giggled. The depression that had filled her heart suddenly disappeared. But he set her straight and pulled away,
‘What are you going here?’ He asked coldly.
Xiao Tu was very high now, so she didn’t take his coldness to heart, ‘I text you that I was coming to see you. You must have forgotten to reply. So, I decided to come and not worry about keeping you awake.’
It was shamelessness of a high calibre.
These days, he felt so far away she felt like she would lose him forever. But at this moment, he was right in front of her, so real, so good. She took his hand and shook it coyly, ‘Look, you couldn’t wait to open the door for me as soon as I came.’
Lang Lang stared at her – there were a myriad of emotions in his eyes that Xiao Tu could not fathom but it made her heart twitch. He gently pulled away, and turned back into the room, ‘I didn’t want you waking up the others with your noise knocking. Aren’t you afraid of being seen with me? It’s late – go back to your room.’
Xiao Tu felt her heart drop like a bomb. Her elation vanished. She stared at the back turned to her – so cold and final, but she didn’t want to leave. She had to have the courage to chase him back. She hugged him from behind, burying her face in his back, ‘I’m not afraid. Don’t drive me away, please. I won’t do it again…’
She didn’t want to let him go; she couldn’t let him go. Until this moment, she never realised how deeply she loved him. Every expression, every movement touched her heart.
‘Let go.’ He said coldly.
They weren’t the most hurtful words to be spoke, but Xiao Tu felt cold. She had drawn up the courage to speak, but he was still indifferent?
He tried to pull her hands away from him but she hugged him tighter. Not wanting to be forceful, he repeated, ‘Let go.’
She shook her head against his back, tears falling from her eyes, ‘I won’t. I won’t let go. I know I was wrong. Can’t you forgive me? Why are you so cruel?’ (Zuben: Why all this melodrama?!)
She felt him pull her hands away, and this time she didn’t resist. He turned to face her, ‘I am cruel? But I don’t believe I am as cruel as you, Xiao Tu. This isn’t something I wouldn’t forgive, but the question is what do you think of me? You’re always so afraid to be seen with me. You know Shao Yu cares for you, but you always keep your distance from me when he is around. Is he the path of retreat you want? Are you planning on dating him when you leave me?’
‘Since you take this relationship so lightly, I don’t believe there is need for us to go forward, and you don’t have to work hard to keep your path of retreat.’
Xiao Tu stared at him blankly, unable to believe the lips that had kissed her so passionately could say such cutting decisive words. Her lips trembled but no words came out.
Zhen Zhen had always said that she loved to do things, sooner or later, she would do something great. Now Xiao Tu realised it. Had she done something irrevocable?
She lost all heart. Her eyes were now sore. She must look ugly and terrible. For him, she had tried to be brave, nakedly offering her heart, but it wasn’t enough. She took a few steps back, and turned and ran back to her room.
Lang Lang stood there watching the empty doorway, listening to the sound of her running footsteps.
‘Director?’
‘Director?’
‘They are waiting for you, Director Lang!’ Li whispered urgently to Lang Lang, but alas, he had gone in a daze again.
In the past month, Lang Lang often got lost in a daze like this.
At first, he didn’t expect such a handsome and powerful man to be in a daze. To anyone else, he looked as austere as usual, eyes fixed at whoever was standing at the podium with his lips lightly pursed – most others would think, he was being strict and picky as usual. Only Li, who had been his PA for years, knew something was wrong. For instance, he didn’t fiddle with his pen while he was listening, he didn’t make any notations. And now after listening to the report, he had not commented – scaring everyone. Even though Li had nudged him under the table, he continued to be lost in his thoughts.
Li could only admire his focus on his mental wandering. He was superior in all aspects – even being in a daze.
Eventually, he came back and began to speak. His extremely beautiful face held a touch of sadness with his brow lightly furrowed, which made Li, a tough man himself, feel his heartbreak. Seeing Lang Lang who was always aloof, feeling unhappy, really made him sad.
Assistant Li had worked directly under Lang Lang since he completed his MBA abroad and returned home. To Li, Lang Lang was at the level of a great god, with is family background, appearance, capabilities and business acumen. But as time went on, he realised, Lang Lang did not seem to like dating. He didn’t know if he dated women while he was abroad, but in the time Li had worked for Lang Lang, he had not seen him with a woman. How could such a man with such good conditions not be able to pull a woman. (Zuben: because he has to remain chaste and pure for his one and only – as he should)
But then Xiao Tu came along, and Li was shocked, it was the first time he had ever seen Lang Lang bully a woman so much to get her attention (Zuben: Well, he has the dating maturity of a kindergarten child), it was the first time he put in a lot of effort, (Zuben: say what?), and the first time he was lost over a woman, it was the first time he would smile for no reason, and the first time he was sad over a woman.
To be honest, Li was just happy such a fine specimen of a man was not gay. That being said, couldn’t he have fallen for some other women – women smarter than Xiao Tu, women more beautiful that Xiao Tu, richer, of his social class, even the more capable women in the company, even the big-faced ones in Li’s own family were better than Xiao Tu. Even his taste in aesthetics was eerie and terrifying.
Assistant Li admired Xiao Tu from the bottom of his heart, though she was not beautiful or smart, but she can cause such a smart, handsome, sought after man to toss and torn.
Back in the office, Lang Lang buried himself in work but then he looked up at the couch, and sighed. He threw down the pen and leaned back heavily in his chair. He closed his eyes and pressed his hands against his slightly pounding head. But when he closed his eyes, all he saw was her round face, large eyes and heartless foolishness.
On that sofa, he saw her ghost blushing bashfully in his arms.
He didn’t want to think anymore. He got out of his chair and went to the drinks cabinet to pour himself a drink, but as he was about to drink from the glass he thought of her drunken face – all cute and rosy, and he put down the glass unsure of what to do not to think of that little fool.
The sun shining brightly outside, Lang Lang felt even more irritable, her words that morning constantly echoing in his head.
He would forgive anything she said that wasn’t break up. After they had tossed about and he tired her out and fell asleep, he had held her tightly smiling at the thought of waking up next to her, and her blush when she woke up, foolishly teasing him but he never imagined he would wake up alone. He got out of bed, washed and dressed and headed to her place.
But when he saw her that morning, with a frightened expression on her face, and cold tone, his heart chilled.
When she told him that she was always thinking of a way out, he felt he was the stupidest man in existence, he had been at her mercy while she wasn’t taking him seriously – fooling around. While he had been determined to make her his, he never imagined that she may not want him at all.
She became timid and deferent, and the more she acted this way, the more he remembered her happy, natural foolishness with Shao Yu and his heart twisted into painful knots.
Though he hadn’t expected her to come and see him that afternoon. He knew she couldn’t tell Linda why she was there, but he was so determined not to give her anymore chances, but it was foolish too. Because the moment he saw her upset, his resolve completely collapsed.
Little fool, you still care a little bit, don’t you?
I’ll give us one last chance…
🐰
In the middle of the night, he stood on his balcony looking out into the city. The night was cold, but all that was on his mind was the way her hands felt on his leg at the rice noodle stall.
There was a ping notifying of a text, and he looked to see that she had texted him.
He smiled and went to pour himself a glass of wine, before replying: sleeping.
Her reply came back quickly: Sorry to wake you, have a good night, about to retract back to her shell.
He angrily replied: You’ve woken me up now, and threw his phone on the bed.
He didn’t expect her to run to his room. And when he opened the door, and she threw herself in his arms he was stunned, his heart softened.
But then she said, “You see, as soon as I knocked, you couldn’t wait to open the door for me” and laughed.
Yes, in this relationship, he was always chasing, the one who couldn’t wait, the one who couldn’t bear to be apart.
He pushed her away feeling angry with himself and went to his cold coffee to hide his panic.
He felt her warmth on his back as she hugged him and said, “I am not afraid, don’t drive me away, okay? I won’t run any more…”
Little fool, you don’t understand, I never drove you away, everything was your own choice. His heart ached as he recalled her cold words that morning.
“Let go,” he had told her coldly.
But she had hugged him even tighter. He could feel his clothes getting wet against his back while his heart burned.
Coming and going as you please, where exactly do I place in your heart?
She said he was being cruel, if that were the case, he would have pushed her far away. She didn’t know how much she meant to him – she didn’t understand.
But then he realised, the words he said were not the words he wanted to say. Watching her run out, his frustration grew and he flung the cup against the wall.
She was the only one who made him lose balance.
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